5 Ways to Control Negative Self-Talk

By John Millen

We all have an inner voice.

Sometimes it’s encouraging: You’ve got this. You’re ready. Just breathe and go.

But too often, that voice turns into a harsh, unforgiving critic: You’re not smart enough. You always mess things up. You’re a fraud and they’re going to find out.

Sound familiar?

You’re not alone.

In my coaching with senior executives, high performers and emerging leaders, I’ve seen firsthand how powerful – and how destructive – that internal voice can be.

While these professionals might appear confident on the outside, many are quietly waging war with themselves on the inside.

The silent saboteur

Negative self-talk is one of the most overlooked obstacles to success. It quietly erodes your confidence, damages your relationships, and undermines your ability to lead.

It doesn’t shout. It whispers – and that’s exactly why it’s so dangerous.

You wouldn't walk into a colleague’s office and say, “You’re an idiot. You’re going to blow this presentation and everyone will see how incompetent you are.”

But many people say these things – or worse – to themselves every single day.

That’s the crazy part: we treat ourselves worse than we would treat a stranger.

And over time, those inner messages start to stick.

What begins as a passing thought becomes a belief. And those beliefs influence your behavior – from how you speak in meetings to the risks you avoid to the relationships you sabotage because you don’t feel worthy.

The career cost

Here’s how negative self-talk shows up at work:

Imposter syndrome: You downplay your accomplishments, fearing people will discover you're not as capable as they think. So you overwork, over-apologize or hold back.

Fear of speaking up: You don’t contribute in meetings because you worry your ideas aren’t good enough.

Perfectionism: You delay launching your project, presentation or pitch because it’s “not ready” – when the truth is, you don’t feel ready.

Burnout: Constant self-criticism takes a toll. It’s exhausting. You can’t work your way out of self-doubt. You need to ease your way out.

Over time, the impact adds up: missed opportunities, stalled promotions and increased stress.

The personal toll

Negative self-talk doesn’t clock out at 5 p.m.

It follows you home, affecting how you parent, how you relate to your partner and how you take care of yourself. It can steal joy from your successes and peace from your downtime.

It often sounds like:

- “I’m such a bad parent.”

- “I don’t deserve to be happy.”

- “Why can’t I ever get it right?”

Unchecked, this voice becomes a permanent soundtrack. And the longer you listen, the more believable it sounds.

Breaking the cycle

The good news is, you don’t have to live like this. Negative self-talk is a habit – and like any habit, it can be changed with awareness, effort and consistency.

Here are five practical ways to start:

1. Name the voice

Give your inner critic a name – literally. Some people call it “The Judge” or “Negative Nancy.” One executive I coached called his voice “The Heckler.”

When you name it, you gain distance from it. You start to realize: This isn’t me. It’s just a thought pattern.

2. Ask: Would I say this to someone else?

Use the mirror test: if your best friend came to you with the same mistake or doubt, would you say to them what you just said to yourself?

If not, then don’t say it to yourself either. Follow the advice you would give them.

3. Reframe the message

Instead of saying, “I always mess up,” say, “That didn’t go as I planned, but I learned something for next time.”

This isn’t about pretending everything’s great. It’s about being honest – and kind.

4. Keep a thought journal

Write down the negative things you say to yourself. Then challenge them.

Ask: Is this true? What evidence do I have? What would someone who loves me say about this?

Writing brings clarity. It gets the thought out of your head and into the light where you can see it more objectively.

5. Practice self-compassion 

Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a child you love. Encouraging. Gentle. Honest.

You’re not perfect. You’re human. And that’s okay.

Final thought

You can’t eliminate your inner critic overnight. But you can turn down the volume – and turn up the voice of reason, hope and confidence.

The most important conversations you have are the ones you have with yourself.

Make them count.

If this resonated with you or might help someone you know, please feel free to share.