Learning from People We Don’t Like

 
By John Millen

Do you ever find yourself irritated by someone you don’t even know?
 

It might be a colleague who rubs you the wrong way, a neighbor whose behavior annoys you, or even a stranger who just triggers something inside you. We’ve all been there.
 

Over the years, I’ve realized that these moments of irritation often say more about me than they do about the other person.

When I pause and reflect, I often find that my dislike is rooted in something deeper—maybe envy, competitiveness, or even a reminder of something I don’t like about myself.

That realization has been humbling.

Instead of brushing off those feelings or feeding the negativity, I’ve developed a practice that’s served me well: when I don’t like someone, I challenge myself to ask, “ What can I learn from this person?” 

Misleading assumptions

We humans are meaning-making machines. When someone irritates us, our brains instantly create a story about who they are, why they’re acting the way they are, and what it says about them.

But most of the time, those stories are just assumptions. And assumptions can be misleading.

For example, I work out a lot and I have access to several gyms. At one of them, there is a very limited number of barbells and benches.

It seems every time I go there, I’m near a guy who uses two or three of the stations at one time, blocking me out.

I told myself a story about how he should go to a CrossFit gym for that and how self-centered and arrogant this guy was.

When I thought about it, I realized I might be feeling insecure about my lack of strict form on certain exercises, which this bro seemed to have.

Then this week I decided to use the bench press next to him and I started talking to him about his routine.

It turned out he was as nice as could be and told me how he hurt his back and gave me tips on deadlifting that were really helpful.

That moment changed perspective. In my story, I created a villain that didn’t exist.

Because I broke the ice, I now have another acquaintance at the gym, and even a bit of a coach.

Teachers in disguise

Disliking someone doesn’t mean we have to become friends with them, excuse bad behavior, or ignore our instincts. What it does mean is using those moments as opportunities for growth.

Every person we meet can teach us something—especially the people who frustrate us. They challenge us to:

- Recognize our own triggers.

- See the blind spots in our character.

- Practice patience, empathy, and humility.

I now see difficult people as teachers in disguise.

Some of my greatest personal growth has come from asking: What is this person here to teach me?

Practical ways to deal with people we dislike

If you want to turn irritation into insight, here are a few practices that can help:

1. Don’t make assumptions

We often jump to conclusions about people based on limited information. The truth is, we rarely know what’s really going on in someone’s life. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

2. Don’t create stories in your head

Our minds love to fill in the blanks, often in negative ways. Catch yourself when you start inventing narratives about who someone is or why they act the way they do.

3. Reflect on your own reaction

Ask yourself, Why is this person bothering me? Is it possible that they trigger envy, competitiveness or self-doubt in you? Be honest with yourself.

4. Talk with them

Instead of labeling someone as “annoying” or “arrogant,” pause to consider what might be driving their behavior. Are they stressed? Insecure? Trying too hard to be accepted?

And the easiest way to find out is to start a conversation.

Personal communication is the most powerful tool we have for true understanding. You'll be surprised how often your perspective completely changes. 

5. Look for the lesson

Even the people we dislike can teach us valuable lessons—about resilience, patience or other qualities we want to develop ourselves.

Your opportunity

Disliking people is part of being human. But we don’t have to let those feelings control us.

When I make the effort to move beyond irritation and ask what I can learn, I not only reduce my negativity but also grow in self-awareness.

The next time you meet someone who irritates you, don’t push the feeling away. Instead, ask: What can I learn from this person?

That simple shift might turn a negative encounter into one of your greatest opportunities for growth.