Don’t Ask for Opinions. Ask for Advice.

By John Millen

Before I started my consulting practice in 2004, I was the VP of Communications at two Fortune 100 companies. At one of them there was a president of one of the business units who would not establish a relationship with me.

He was cordial but wouldn’t meet with me. At the same time, I found myself in the middle of a political battle between the CEO and another business unit president. I don’t recall why but I decided to ask the standoffish president if he would give me some advice.

The president reluctantly had his assistant schedule a 15-minute meeting with me. 

As it turned out, we had great chemistry. He cancelled his next meeting and he took me to lunch to continue our conversation. Our relationship strengthened from there.

Advice and influence

That interaction reminded me of something I’ve observed repeatedly in leadership, client relationships and even personal conversations over the years:

If you want to influence people, it’s often more effective to ask for their advice than their opinion.

At first glance, those two things sound interchangeable. They are not.

When you ask for someone’s opinion, you subtly place them in the role of evaluator. The conversation becomes about assessing your idea, your performance or your judgment. 

Even well-intentioned people naturally begin looking for weaknesses, alternatives or reasons they might disagree.

But asking for advice creates a different dynamic entirely.

Advice invites participation. It signals respect. It communicates that you value the other person’s experience enough to involve them in the outcome instead of simply asking them to judge it from a distance.

The distinction matters because human beings are far more likely to support what they help shape.

When you ask for an opinion, people evaluate you.

When you ask for advice, they invest in you.

That investment is subtle but powerful. Once someone begins offering guidance, they often become emotionally connected to your success. 

The conversation shifts from critique to collaboration. Instead of standing across from you, they begin standing beside you, helping solve a shared problem.

Even healthy personal relationships depend on it. Most people want to feel useful to the people they care about. Asking for advice communicates that their judgment and experience matter.

Here are a few ways to apply this immediately

1. Replace broad opinion questions with specific requests for guidance

“What do you think?” is often too vague and unintentionally evaluative.

“What would you recommend?” or “How would you approach this?” invites people into the process more constructively.

The wording is subtle, but the emotional tone changes significantly.

2. Ask for advice early enough that it can genuinely shape the outcome

Many leaders ask for feedback after decisions are effectively final. Employees recognize this immediately.

If you want commitment and buy-in, involve people while their perspective can still influence the direction. People are naturally more invested in decisions they helped shape.

3. Use advice-seeking during moments of tension or disagreement

When conversations become polarized, asking for advice can reframe the interaction from opposition to problem-solving.

Instead of asking, “Do you agree with this decision?” try asking, “What would you advise us to consider before moving forward?”

One question invites resistance. The other invites thoughtfulness.

4. Be specific about why you value someone’s perspective

People respond positively when their experience is recognized in a sincere way.

“You’ve managed through situations like this before. What advice would you give me?” carries far more weight than a generic request for feedback.

It tells people they are respected, not just included.

Communication is often treated as though it is primarily about clarity of information. In reality, it is just as much about emotional positioning.

The words we choose determine whether people feel judged, ignored, defensive, valued or involved.

And sometimes a single shift in language can change the entire posture of a conversation.