Building Trust Through Conversations
By John Millen
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling completely energized — or totally drained?
That’s not an accident. According to Judith Glaser in her book Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results, every conversation we have literally changes our brains.
Glaser, a pioneer in the field of organizational anthropology, explains that conversations operate on three distinct levels: transactional, positional, and transformational.
Each level triggers different chemical and emotional responses in our brains — and determines whether our interactions build trust or destroy it.
The Three levels of conversation
Level I: Transactional – The exchange of information
At this level, communication is mostly about getting things done. We ask and tell, give and receive information — “Can you send that report?” “What’s the plan for tomorrow?”
These conversations are necessary for efficiency, but they don’t build connection. Neurologically, they keep us in a neutral state — safe, predictable, and relatively low-risk.
The danger is that when we stay at this level too long, relationships become mechanical. People feel unheard, and collaboration suffers.
Level II: Positional – The battle for influence
In positional conversations, we move from exchanging information to defending our viewpoints. We start persuading, negotiating, or debating — trying to convince others we’re right.
Our brains interpret this as a potential threat. When we feel challenged or dismissed, the amygdala — the brain’s “alarm system” — activates a fight, flight, or freeze response. Cortisol and adrenaline flood our systems, narrowing our thinking and reducing our ability to listen.
You’ve probably felt this: a meeting turns tense, voices tighten, and suddenly no one’s really hearing each other.
Even though we think we’re being logical, our brains are in survival mode. As Glaser points out, it’s almost impossible to build trust from this defensive state.
Level III: Transformational – Co-creating and discovering together
Transformational conversations are different. They’re built on curiosity, openness, and a genuine desire to learn from others.
In this state, our brains release oxytocin — the “trust hormone.” Oxytocin counteracts cortisol, lowering stress and opening the door to empathy and creativity. We feel safe enough to be vulnerable, share ideas, and collaborate more deeply.
This is where innovation and authentic connection happen.
Transformational communication isn’t about winning the conversation — it’s about learning together.
What the neuroscience tells us
Glaser’s research shows that our brains are wired to constantly assess whether an interaction feels safe or threatening. When people feel safe, their prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, empathy, and creativity — stays engaged.
But when we sense danger, even subtle emotional cues like a harsh tone or dismissive body language can activate the amygdala and trigger stress chemistry. The result? We stop listening. We close down.
In other words, every conversation either strengthens trust or weakens it — there’s rarely a neutral outcome.
That’s why leaders, parents, and partners who understand these dynamics can dramatically change their relationships.
How to use conversational intelligence every day
Here are a few ways to apply these insights to build trust at work and at home:
1. Be aware of your brain’s response. Notice when you feel defensive or irritated. That’s your amygdala kicking in. Take a breath before reacting. This small pause gives your prefrontal cortex time to re-engage so you can respond with curiosity instead of emotion.
2. Replace judgment with curiosity. When someone disagrees with you, instead of thinking, "They don’t get it," ask, "I wonder what they’re seeing that I’m not?" This shift from certainty to curiosity opens your brain — and theirs — to collaboration.
3. Listen to connect, not to reply. Active listening — truly focusing on understanding the other person — builds oxytocin and strengthens trust. People can sense when you’re genuinely listening versus waiting for your turn to speak.
4. Use open language. Phrases like “Let’s explore this together” or “What do you think?” signal safety and partnership. They transform positional debates into collaborative dialogue.
5. Check the emotional climate. Before diving into tough topics, gauge the energy in the room. If people seem tense or closed off, start by reconnecting on a human level. A few moments of genuine conversation can reset the brain chemistry of the group.
Final thoughts
Understanding the neuroscience of communication changes the way we interact. Every word, tone, and gesture has the power to trigger trust or fear, openness or defensiveness.
As Glaser writes in Conversational Intelligence, “Conversations are not just about words. They are about the neurochemistry of relationships.”
When we move beyond transactional exchanges and positional battles to truly transformational conversations, we create environments where people inspired to collaborate.
That’s where meaningful connection — and extraordinary results — begin.
